Christin Langhoff, Thomas Baer, Doris Zubraegel, Michael Linden
The therapeutic alliance is seen as an important dimension in any type of psychotherapy. But patient, therapist, or observers can have different views on the therapeutic alliance. The question is which perspective best represents the therapeutic alliance, and what are the differences between these alternative views. In the present study, the therapist-patient alliance (TPA, the view of the therapist), patient-therapist alliance (PTA, the view of the patient), and mutual therapeutic alliance (MTA, the view of an observer) were measured simultaneously in cognitive behavior therapy of patients suffering from generalized anxiety disorder. Additionally, the concordance between patient and therapist ratings (TPC) was calculated. Cognitive behavior therapists attained high positive scores in all perspectives for all dimensions of the therapeutic alliance, such as empathy, cooperation, transparency, focusing, and assurance of progress. Correlations were consistently higher for ratings between therapist and patient than between observer and patient. A relation with outcome (Hamilton Anxiety Scale) was only found for observer ratings. It was concluded that cognitive behavior therapists can achieve good alliances with their patients. Different perspectives on the therapeutic alliance should be distinguished and taken into account separately in studies on the therapeutic process and outcome.
Keywords: therapeutic alliance; therapist-patient relationship; generalized anxiety disorder; cognitive behavior therapy
Source: Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy. New York: 2008. Vol. 22
Click here to read more...
21 April 2008
18 April 2008
Psychological care for adult and child survivors of the tsunami disaster in india
Susan M. Becker
The tsunami disaster in South Asia affected the mental health and livelihoods of thousands of child and adult survivors, but psychological aspects of rehabilitation efforts are frequently neglected in public health initiatives.
Source: Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing Nursing, Aug 2007, 20, 3
Click here to read more...
The tsunami disaster in South Asia affected the mental health and livelihoods of thousands of child and adult survivors, but psychological aspects of rehabilitation efforts are frequently neglected in public health initiatives.
Source: Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing Nursing, Aug 2007, 20, 3
Click here to read more...
African american adolescent mothers and grandmothers: A multigenerational approach to parenting
Sarah E. Oberlander, Maureen M. Black, Raymond H. Starr Jr.
This study is an adaptation and extension of Apfel and Seitz's (Family Relations, 40(4), 421-429, 1991) models of adolescent parenting and adolescent-grandmother relationships to a sample of 148 African American, first-time adolescent mothers and their 6-month-old infants. The Parental Supplemental model, in which adolescent mothers and grandmothers shared caregiving, described 63% of Apfel and Seitz's (1991) sample and 66% of the current sample. Shared caregiving was not associated with conflict in the adolescent mother-grandmother relationship. Adolescent mothers who had caregiving responsibilities and a supportive adolescent-grandmother relationship also reported competence in their parenting role. Findings provide support for Apfel and Seitz's Parental Apprentice model, in which young mothers gain competence through direct caregiving experience in the context of a supportive relationship.
Source: American Journal of Community Psychology. New York: Mar 2007. Vol. 39, Iss. 1-2; pg. 37
Click here to read more...
This study is an adaptation and extension of Apfel and Seitz's (Family Relations, 40(4), 421-429, 1991) models of adolescent parenting and adolescent-grandmother relationships to a sample of 148 African American, first-time adolescent mothers and their 6-month-old infants. The Parental Supplemental model, in which adolescent mothers and grandmothers shared caregiving, described 63% of Apfel and Seitz's (1991) sample and 66% of the current sample. Shared caregiving was not associated with conflict in the adolescent mother-grandmother relationship. Adolescent mothers who had caregiving responsibilities and a supportive adolescent-grandmother relationship also reported competence in their parenting role. Findings provide support for Apfel and Seitz's Parental Apprentice model, in which young mothers gain competence through direct caregiving experience in the context of a supportive relationship.
Source: American Journal of Community Psychology. New York: Mar 2007. Vol. 39, Iss. 1-2; pg. 37
Click here to read more...
15 April 2008
Acceptability of dating violence among late adolescents
Michael J Merten
This study uses a vignette-based survey design to examine the relationship between both respondent-level and case-level characteristics and the acceptability of violence in dating relationships. Measures of sports participation, competitiveness, and the need to win (respondent characteristics) were administered to 661 male and female late adolescents. Participants also rated the acceptability of violence portrayed in a series of couple interaction vignettes varying along three dimensions: initiator act, recipient reaction, and initator-recipient gender combinations (case characteristics). Results from a multilevel analysis show that with regard to respondent characteristics, only the need to win is related (positively) to the acceptability of dating violence, not sports participation or competitiveness. With regard to case characteristics, recipient reaction has the strongest relationship, suggesting that how a victim of violence reacts may be a more important predictor (negative relationship) of the acceptability of dating violence than the initial act of violence. Overall, case characteristics explain three times more variation in the acceptability of dating violence than respondent characteristics (30% vs. 10%).
Source: Adolescence. Roslyn Heights: Spring 2008. Vol. 43, Iss. 169; pg. 31
Click here to read more...
This study uses a vignette-based survey design to examine the relationship between both respondent-level and case-level characteristics and the acceptability of violence in dating relationships. Measures of sports participation, competitiveness, and the need to win (respondent characteristics) were administered to 661 male and female late adolescents. Participants also rated the acceptability of violence portrayed in a series of couple interaction vignettes varying along three dimensions: initiator act, recipient reaction, and initator-recipient gender combinations (case characteristics). Results from a multilevel analysis show that with regard to respondent characteristics, only the need to win is related (positively) to the acceptability of dating violence, not sports participation or competitiveness. With regard to case characteristics, recipient reaction has the strongest relationship, suggesting that how a victim of violence reacts may be a more important predictor (negative relationship) of the acceptability of dating violence than the initial act of violence. Overall, case characteristics explain three times more variation in the acceptability of dating violence than respondent characteristics (30% vs. 10%).
Source: Adolescence. Roslyn Heights: Spring 2008. Vol. 43, Iss. 169; pg. 31
Click here to read more...
Tame Your Temper
Linda Bernstein
How to control feelings of anger
Marissa*, a high school junior from a New Haven, Conn., suburb, compares herself to a "pot of soup." She says, "It's like I feel this flame under me [so that] I'm going to boil over." Marissa says she gets so angry about "everything-my little sister taking my lipstick, my mom [saying] my skirt is too short-that I get stomachaches and headaches," she explains.
Last summer when Raquel, a seventh grader from Port Jefferson, N.Y., was at camp, someone faked her name on a "love" note to a boy. "I was so mad. I couldn't believe one of my friends would be so mean. I felt nervous being so angry," Raquel recalls. "When I'm angry, I feel so sick it's scary," she adds.
Signs of Anger
Everyone gets angry from time to time, says Donald Wertlieb of the Eliot-Pearson Department of Child Development at Tufts University in Medford, Mass. " [We] react with anger when we don't get what we want," says Wertlieb.
Faster breathing, tense muscles, and turning red can all be signs of anger. Feeling as if you want to break something or hit someone or yelling and screaming, even at people you care about, are all expressions of anger. Some people keep their anger inside. That can lead to headaches or stomachaches.
Not surprisingly, anger can be bad for your health. For example, a researcher at the University of Missouri, Columbia, found that angry people are more likely to get hurt. Another study, at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey in Newark, linked anger to lung problems. Frequent anger can also lead to high blood pressure, which makes the heart work harder.
Managing Anger
Even though anger is a negative emotion that can lead to problems, the emotion does have its good points. It protects us, says Kathy Puskar, a professor of nursing at the University of Pittsburgh Medical School. She has studied the emotion in teens. Anger, Puskar says, "can alert you there's trouble in a relationship. It can also help you ... get what you want or need."
The trick, Puskar says, is to learn positive ways of dealing with anger so you don't express it at the worst possible moment or in an unproductive way. Whether you're the type who holds in anger or lets it out with an explosion, anyone can use these tips:
* Think about what is really going on. Anger is a secondary emotion. That means it might come from feeling hurt, frustrated, or disrespected. Once you know why you're mad, you can go to the source of the problem and fix it.
* Distract yourself. Count to 10 so you don't react too quickly, exercise to release tension and divert your mind, listen to music that will help you relax, or talk to a trusted friend or adult.
* Step back. It's helpful to separate "good" anger from anger that can hurt you, according to Puskar. If you feel so angry you can't control it, step away from the situation, and let things calm down before you act on it. The key is to figure out why you're angry and how you can handle it. Then you can try helpful ways to express your feelings, instead of just seeing red.
Learning to Let Go
Marissa is making a real effort to control her anger. "If I'm just all hung up that I got left out [of a social situation], I now know to tell people how I feel so they won't do it again," Marissa says. "When I'm not a 'pot of soup,' I don't get those awful headaches."
Raquel has found that when she is really angry with her friends, the best thing to do is talk about it. And when she's too angry to do that, she gets an adult to help out. "At camp, a counselor spoke with me for a long time about how these kinds of things happen to people and it's not the end of the world; it's just a lot of drama that will stop soon."
Source: Current Health 1. Stamford: Mar 2008. Vol. 31, Iss. 7
How to control feelings of anger
Marissa*, a high school junior from a New Haven, Conn., suburb, compares herself to a "pot of soup." She says, "It's like I feel this flame under me [so that] I'm going to boil over." Marissa says she gets so angry about "everything-my little sister taking my lipstick, my mom [saying] my skirt is too short-that I get stomachaches and headaches," she explains.
Last summer when Raquel, a seventh grader from Port Jefferson, N.Y., was at camp, someone faked her name on a "love" note to a boy. "I was so mad. I couldn't believe one of my friends would be so mean. I felt nervous being so angry," Raquel recalls. "When I'm angry, I feel so sick it's scary," she adds.
Signs of Anger
Everyone gets angry from time to time, says Donald Wertlieb of the Eliot-Pearson Department of Child Development at Tufts University in Medford, Mass. " [We] react with anger when we don't get what we want," says Wertlieb.
Faster breathing, tense muscles, and turning red can all be signs of anger. Feeling as if you want to break something or hit someone or yelling and screaming, even at people you care about, are all expressions of anger. Some people keep their anger inside. That can lead to headaches or stomachaches.
Not surprisingly, anger can be bad for your health. For example, a researcher at the University of Missouri, Columbia, found that angry people are more likely to get hurt. Another study, at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey in Newark, linked anger to lung problems. Frequent anger can also lead to high blood pressure, which makes the heart work harder.
Managing Anger
Even though anger is a negative emotion that can lead to problems, the emotion does have its good points. It protects us, says Kathy Puskar, a professor of nursing at the University of Pittsburgh Medical School. She has studied the emotion in teens. Anger, Puskar says, "can alert you there's trouble in a relationship. It can also help you ... get what you want or need."
The trick, Puskar says, is to learn positive ways of dealing with anger so you don't express it at the worst possible moment or in an unproductive way. Whether you're the type who holds in anger or lets it out with an explosion, anyone can use these tips:
* Think about what is really going on. Anger is a secondary emotion. That means it might come from feeling hurt, frustrated, or disrespected. Once you know why you're mad, you can go to the source of the problem and fix it.
* Distract yourself. Count to 10 so you don't react too quickly, exercise to release tension and divert your mind, listen to music that will help you relax, or talk to a trusted friend or adult.
* Step back. It's helpful to separate "good" anger from anger that can hurt you, according to Puskar. If you feel so angry you can't control it, step away from the situation, and let things calm down before you act on it. The key is to figure out why you're angry and how you can handle it. Then you can try helpful ways to express your feelings, instead of just seeing red.
Learning to Let Go
Marissa is making a real effort to control her anger. "If I'm just all hung up that I got left out [of a social situation], I now know to tell people how I feel so they won't do it again," Marissa says. "When I'm not a 'pot of soup,' I don't get those awful headaches."
Raquel has found that when she is really angry with her friends, the best thing to do is talk about it. And when she's too angry to do that, she gets an adult to help out. "At camp, a counselor spoke with me for a long time about how these kinds of things happen to people and it's not the end of the world; it's just a lot of drama that will stop soon."
Source: Current Health 1. Stamford: Mar 2008. Vol. 31, Iss. 7
How to Emerge From a fight More In Love
Laura Gilbert
The inevitable arguments you have with your guy don't have to cause turbulence in the relationship. In fact, when handled correctly, conflict can help you better understand and appreciate each other. Yes, we're serious! Read on.
Disputes with your man are no fun, but they're bound to occur. And when they do, you may worry that the loving bonds you've established in your relationship will somehow begin to erode. Not so, says psychologist Xavier Amador, PhD, author of I'm Right, You're Wrong, Now What? who maintains that "fighting is a necessary ingredient for intimacy. It shows that you're invested enough to want to hash something out instead of just writing each other off."
So as warped as it sounds, disagreements can actually provide an opportunity for you and your guy to grow closer -- if you deal with them constructively instead of letting them devolve into huge, ugly blowouts. "It takes emotional intelligence to take the anger out of an issue and talk about it productively, and many people don't learn those skills growing up," says Amador. So we talked to top communication, relationship, and conflict-resolution experts to get their best advice. Below, how to avoid common quarreling pitfalls, plus crucial strategies for fighting right at every stage of a love spat.
Important rule: No blows below the belt!Wadley. Fashion editor: Maggie Hong. Hair: Jennifer Brent for Ford Artists using Kerastase. Makeup: Katrina Bailey. (On him) T-shirt: James Perse. (On her) tank top: American Eagle Outfitters.
STARTING THE FIGHT
Dividing Moves
E-mailing your issue. If you've been stewing over something your guy said or did, it's tempting to fire off a bitchy e-mail or IM detailing your grievances. But by doing that, you run the risk of blindsiding your guy -- remember, he may be clueless to the fact that you're upset, says Amador.
Ambushing him. It's important to pick a good time to air your gripe. So if your boyfriend thinks he's coming home to spend the night vegging on the couch and instead you rip into him the second he walks in the door about how badly he behaved in front of your friends last Friday, you're setting him -- and yourself -- up. At best, he'll offer a stunned, knee-jerk response that will likely upset you more. Says Gini Graham Scott, PhD, author of Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War: "If you're not both in a frame of mind to discuss the issue, nothing will get solved."
Uniting Moves
ID the real issue. Say you're seething because he didn't RSVP to his friend's party on your behalf. Before you read him the riot act, spend time reflecting -- maybe you feel left out of his social circle or you have concerns about his lack of responsibility or etiquette. "Fighting is often about something much deeper than the surface issue," says Scott. Freaking out about a specific instance (the RSVP debacle) won't improve communication. But if you can identify what's really bothering you, he can work on that bigger issue. (See our sidebar on page 145 for other fights with hidden meanings.)
Stay calm. Guys are biologically engineered to avoid screechy female tones...or so you'd think. Meaning, if you want him to stay in the room long enough to hear you out, you have to calm your butt down. "What I suggest is taking two breaths into your belly and thinking of something good in your life so your nervous system relaxes," says Fred Luskin, PhD, author of Forgive for Love. Taking that moment will help you remain kind, which in turn will get him to see how committed you are to finding a sane solution.
DURING THE DEBATE
Dividing Moves
Kitchen-sinking your criticism.The tiff started when he came home late, but since you're riled up, you also bring up how sexist his friends are and how selfish he is to watch TV when you're having a bad day. "Confine your discussion to one incident," says Luskin. "Snowballing your complaints confuses both of you about what the real issue is." Keeping focused lets you resolve the argument at hand instead of creating new ones.
Fights end faster when you use kid gloves.Wadley
Repeating yourself. If he doesn't seem to get why you're so peeved through his thick skull, keep hammering it home, right? Wrong. "Anytime one of you repeats yourself, it means the other person has stopped listening and put on their mental mute button," says Amador. At this point, productivity is at a standstill.
Fighting dirty. "Sarcasm and name-calling are cheap shots," says Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. "It takes maturity to stay even-keeled."
Uniting Moves
Saying I instead of you. "It sounds psychobabbly, but it really works and makes people less defensive," says Amador. Try it: "You don't do any chores, so I did the dishes again!" sounds blamey, while "I feel like I'm left with an unfair share of housework, such as the dishes. What do you think about that?" suddenly opens things up for a legit discussion.
Asking questions. As your guy spells out his side, get details: "When did you first notice this?" or "What would you like me to do next time?" "This shows him that you're listening, and guys respond well when they feel respected," says Covalt.
Taking breaks. If things get ugly, say "I'm too upset to talk rationally. Can we revisit this tomorrow/after I work out/in an hour or so?" Says Covalt: "When you think of a fight as a talk, not a blowout, it takes the fear out of it. You both become more optimistic about handling it."
WRAPPING IT UP
Dividing Moves
Insisting on hashing it out. Not all arguments can be resolved in one sitting. So while you might want to slog out the details right away, your guy may be over it -- at least for the night. "People in conflict have different styles of settling things and need different amounts of time to process what's been said, and all of them are valid," says Scott. As long as you've said your piece and feel heard, be willing to compromise with how your partner wants to handle the situation.
Demanding a perfect apology. "When we're mad, our reptilian brain kicks in and wants our opponent to grovel and admit defeat," says Amador. "It's crucial to let your frontal lobe take control and remind you that it's the big picture -- harmony -- that's important." So if he said he was sorry, take it at face value instead of holding out for him to say it the "right" way.
Uniting Moves
Moving on. Once you've heard the outcome you were after (an apology, a promise to try harder, an explanation of why he feels that way, etc.), any further fighting is self-indulgent. "Be willing to stop when you reach your goal," says Amador.
Saying it out loud. When you come to an agreement on something that needs to change, verbalize the specifics so you both know what to expect. For example, "In the future, if I'm going to be working past 8, I'll call you." That way, you don't misunderstand and wind up bickering again about the same thing, advises Covalt.
Checking in before you check out. "Before you walk away, say that as far as you're concerned, the issue is resolved, then ask him if he feels the same," says Amador. It conveys concern for your mate's point of view.
DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH
Dividing Moves
Harboring a grudge. Some people blow the memory of a dispute way out of proportion. But by nurturing a grudge and holding on to your anger, you hurt for far longer than you need to, says Luskin.
Making cracks about the fight. Referencing your fight-night drama in front of other people -- even as a joke -- erodes trust. "It escalates his defensiveness, both on that topic and the next one you have an argument about," says Amador. Just the mention of a sore subject in front of a third party can make him feel like he's being attacked or belittled.
Insisting on getting in the last word. Say you let things go at the time, but you just thought of a great point to make or something clever you shoulda said. So you toss a pointed comment over dinner or send an e-mail "clarifying" your point of view. These actions only re-engage the entire tussle and leave him wondering if he can trust that you're telling the truth the next time you say you've made peace with the matter.
Uniting Moves
Focusing on his best qualities. After a draining debate, spend some time dwelling on what you love about your guy -- even the smallest, stupidest things, like how he always restocks the cookies when they're running low. "Contemplating your partner's good points puts him in a more positive light in your mind, and it helps balance the stuff that's irritating about him," says Luskin.
Sending a nice e-mail. No need to rehash the events, but bouncing him a "Thanks for talking that over" or "Again, I'm sorry, and I love you" can go a long way toward rebuilding goodwill. "When you give these interpersonal gifts, the natural instinct on his part is to give you one in return at some point," says Amador. "It's a gesture that only benefits the relationship."
Touching him. A reassuring hug or back scratch can be all it takes to transmit to your guy (who's naturally less verbal) that you're still a tight couple. "These touches are all about reassuring him and expressing your love -- directly and indirectly," says Amador. "They say, 'Yes, I can be angry and still love you.'" And, hey, if it leads to make-up sex, so be it. There's a reason that variety of nooky has such a hot reputation.
What You're Really Arguing About
Sometimes a fight is a mask for something deeper. Here, a top couples therapist digs beneath the surface of some common spats.
The complaint
"He gets superannoyed when I keep things at his place."
The underlying issue
Freak-outs about space are a commitmentphobia symptom. "He likely worries that if he gives you one drawer, how much more will he need to give you...or give up?" says Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of Financial Infidelity.
Too bad you can't fast forward to the make-up sex.Wadley
The complaint
"I always have to initiate sex."
The underlying issue
There's a chance you feel overlooked outside the bedroom, says Weil. "You may pursue sex as a substitute for the emotional connection you crave."
The complaint
"He blows money on stupid stuff."
The underlying issue
You could be questioning his impulse control, trustworthiness, or values, warns Weil -- especially if he's previously promised to save but hasn't.
Source: Cosmopolitan. New York: May 2008. Vol. 244, Iss. 5; pg. 142
The inevitable arguments you have with your guy don't have to cause turbulence in the relationship. In fact, when handled correctly, conflict can help you better understand and appreciate each other. Yes, we're serious! Read on.
Disputes with your man are no fun, but they're bound to occur. And when they do, you may worry that the loving bonds you've established in your relationship will somehow begin to erode. Not so, says psychologist Xavier Amador, PhD, author of I'm Right, You're Wrong, Now What? who maintains that "fighting is a necessary ingredient for intimacy. It shows that you're invested enough to want to hash something out instead of just writing each other off."
So as warped as it sounds, disagreements can actually provide an opportunity for you and your guy to grow closer -- if you deal with them constructively instead of letting them devolve into huge, ugly blowouts. "It takes emotional intelligence to take the anger out of an issue and talk about it productively, and many people don't learn those skills growing up," says Amador. So we talked to top communication, relationship, and conflict-resolution experts to get their best advice. Below, how to avoid common quarreling pitfalls, plus crucial strategies for fighting right at every stage of a love spat.
Important rule: No blows below the belt!Wadley. Fashion editor: Maggie Hong. Hair: Jennifer Brent for Ford Artists using Kerastase. Makeup: Katrina Bailey. (On him) T-shirt: James Perse. (On her) tank top: American Eagle Outfitters.
STARTING THE FIGHT
Dividing Moves
E-mailing your issue. If you've been stewing over something your guy said or did, it's tempting to fire off a bitchy e-mail or IM detailing your grievances. But by doing that, you run the risk of blindsiding your guy -- remember, he may be clueless to the fact that you're upset, says Amador.
Ambushing him. It's important to pick a good time to air your gripe. So if your boyfriend thinks he's coming home to spend the night vegging on the couch and instead you rip into him the second he walks in the door about how badly he behaved in front of your friends last Friday, you're setting him -- and yourself -- up. At best, he'll offer a stunned, knee-jerk response that will likely upset you more. Says Gini Graham Scott, PhD, author of Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War: "If you're not both in a frame of mind to discuss the issue, nothing will get solved."
Uniting Moves
ID the real issue. Say you're seething because he didn't RSVP to his friend's party on your behalf. Before you read him the riot act, spend time reflecting -- maybe you feel left out of his social circle or you have concerns about his lack of responsibility or etiquette. "Fighting is often about something much deeper than the surface issue," says Scott. Freaking out about a specific instance (the RSVP debacle) won't improve communication. But if you can identify what's really bothering you, he can work on that bigger issue. (See our sidebar on page 145 for other fights with hidden meanings.)
Stay calm. Guys are biologically engineered to avoid screechy female tones...or so you'd think. Meaning, if you want him to stay in the room long enough to hear you out, you have to calm your butt down. "What I suggest is taking two breaths into your belly and thinking of something good in your life so your nervous system relaxes," says Fred Luskin, PhD, author of Forgive for Love. Taking that moment will help you remain kind, which in turn will get him to see how committed you are to finding a sane solution.
DURING THE DEBATE
Dividing Moves
Kitchen-sinking your criticism.The tiff started when he came home late, but since you're riled up, you also bring up how sexist his friends are and how selfish he is to watch TV when you're having a bad day. "Confine your discussion to one incident," says Luskin. "Snowballing your complaints confuses both of you about what the real issue is." Keeping focused lets you resolve the argument at hand instead of creating new ones.
Fights end faster when you use kid gloves.Wadley
Repeating yourself. If he doesn't seem to get why you're so peeved through his thick skull, keep hammering it home, right? Wrong. "Anytime one of you repeats yourself, it means the other person has stopped listening and put on their mental mute button," says Amador. At this point, productivity is at a standstill.
Fighting dirty. "Sarcasm and name-calling are cheap shots," says Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. "It takes maturity to stay even-keeled."
Uniting Moves
Saying I instead of you. "It sounds psychobabbly, but it really works and makes people less defensive," says Amador. Try it: "You don't do any chores, so I did the dishes again!" sounds blamey, while "I feel like I'm left with an unfair share of housework, such as the dishes. What do you think about that?" suddenly opens things up for a legit discussion.
Asking questions. As your guy spells out his side, get details: "When did you first notice this?" or "What would you like me to do next time?" "This shows him that you're listening, and guys respond well when they feel respected," says Covalt.
Taking breaks. If things get ugly, say "I'm too upset to talk rationally. Can we revisit this tomorrow/after I work out/in an hour or so?" Says Covalt: "When you think of a fight as a talk, not a blowout, it takes the fear out of it. You both become more optimistic about handling it."
WRAPPING IT UP
Dividing Moves
Insisting on hashing it out. Not all arguments can be resolved in one sitting. So while you might want to slog out the details right away, your guy may be over it -- at least for the night. "People in conflict have different styles of settling things and need different amounts of time to process what's been said, and all of them are valid," says Scott. As long as you've said your piece and feel heard, be willing to compromise with how your partner wants to handle the situation.
Demanding a perfect apology. "When we're mad, our reptilian brain kicks in and wants our opponent to grovel and admit defeat," says Amador. "It's crucial to let your frontal lobe take control and remind you that it's the big picture -- harmony -- that's important." So if he said he was sorry, take it at face value instead of holding out for him to say it the "right" way.
Uniting Moves
Moving on. Once you've heard the outcome you were after (an apology, a promise to try harder, an explanation of why he feels that way, etc.), any further fighting is self-indulgent. "Be willing to stop when you reach your goal," says Amador.
Saying it out loud. When you come to an agreement on something that needs to change, verbalize the specifics so you both know what to expect. For example, "In the future, if I'm going to be working past 8, I'll call you." That way, you don't misunderstand and wind up bickering again about the same thing, advises Covalt.
Checking in before you check out. "Before you walk away, say that as far as you're concerned, the issue is resolved, then ask him if he feels the same," says Amador. It conveys concern for your mate's point of view.
DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH
Dividing Moves
Harboring a grudge. Some people blow the memory of a dispute way out of proportion. But by nurturing a grudge and holding on to your anger, you hurt for far longer than you need to, says Luskin.
Making cracks about the fight. Referencing your fight-night drama in front of other people -- even as a joke -- erodes trust. "It escalates his defensiveness, both on that topic and the next one you have an argument about," says Amador. Just the mention of a sore subject in front of a third party can make him feel like he's being attacked or belittled.
Insisting on getting in the last word. Say you let things go at the time, but you just thought of a great point to make or something clever you shoulda said. So you toss a pointed comment over dinner or send an e-mail "clarifying" your point of view. These actions only re-engage the entire tussle and leave him wondering if he can trust that you're telling the truth the next time you say you've made peace with the matter.
Uniting Moves
Focusing on his best qualities. After a draining debate, spend some time dwelling on what you love about your guy -- even the smallest, stupidest things, like how he always restocks the cookies when they're running low. "Contemplating your partner's good points puts him in a more positive light in your mind, and it helps balance the stuff that's irritating about him," says Luskin.
Sending a nice e-mail. No need to rehash the events, but bouncing him a "Thanks for talking that over" or "Again, I'm sorry, and I love you" can go a long way toward rebuilding goodwill. "When you give these interpersonal gifts, the natural instinct on his part is to give you one in return at some point," says Amador. "It's a gesture that only benefits the relationship."
Touching him. A reassuring hug or back scratch can be all it takes to transmit to your guy (who's naturally less verbal) that you're still a tight couple. "These touches are all about reassuring him and expressing your love -- directly and indirectly," says Amador. "They say, 'Yes, I can be angry and still love you.'" And, hey, if it leads to make-up sex, so be it. There's a reason that variety of nooky has such a hot reputation.
What You're Really Arguing About
Sometimes a fight is a mask for something deeper. Here, a top couples therapist digs beneath the surface of some common spats.
The complaint
"He gets superannoyed when I keep things at his place."
The underlying issue
Freak-outs about space are a commitmentphobia symptom. "He likely worries that if he gives you one drawer, how much more will he need to give you...or give up?" says Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD, author of Financial Infidelity.
Too bad you can't fast forward to the make-up sex.Wadley
The complaint
"I always have to initiate sex."
The underlying issue
There's a chance you feel overlooked outside the bedroom, says Weil. "You may pursue sex as a substitute for the emotional connection you crave."
The complaint
"He blows money on stupid stuff."
The underlying issue
You could be questioning his impulse control, trustworthiness, or values, warns Weil -- especially if he's previously promised to save but hasn't.
Source: Cosmopolitan. New York: May 2008. Vol. 244, Iss. 5; pg. 142
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